Unveiling Shame in Birth: Where It Comes From and How We Begin to Heal
Birth is one of the most intimate, raw, and vulnerable human experiences but for many people, it's also a space where shame quietly takes root. This shame doesn’t arrive with the pregnancy test or the first contraction. Often, it’s been with us far longer, woven into our beliefs about our bodies, worth, control, and core self.
Let’s talk about where this shame comes from, how it manifests during pregnancy, birth and the postnatal period, and how we might begin to confront it with compassion.
Where Shame in the Birth Space Comes From
Shame is not the same as guilt. Guilt says, “I did something bad.” Shame says, “I am bad.” And in the birth space, it often whispers, “I’m not enough,” or, “I should have done this better.”
1. Childhood Conditioning and Vulnerability
Many of us grew up in environments where vulnerability wasn’t welcomed. Perhaps we were praised only when we were compliant, quiet, agreeable and non-confrontational. We learned early on that being “good” often meant not rocking the boat, even when something didn’t feel right.
This conditioning often carries into adulthood and into the birth space. It can manifest as a deep urge to comply or go along with what the healthcare professional says, even when internal alarm bells are ringing. The fear of being seen as “difficult” or “ungrateful” can override our own instincts. And when we later reflect on those moments, shame can rush in: “Why didn’t I say something?” “Why did I let that happen?”
2. Internalised Cultural Norms
Attitudes to birth vary across cultures, but today many of us live in cultures where there is an immense pressure to be seen as the perfect, loving parent who birth our babies perfectly and if this isn’t the case - it’s our own fault. The message is: have a perfect birth plan, breathe through the pain, bounce back quickly. When the messy reality of birth deviates from this whether through interventions, a C-section, difficulties with breastfeeding, postnatal depression many people internalise it as personal failure.
3. Protective Parts (and Internalised Voices)
In the language of internal family systems or parts work, shame is often a “protector” part. It shows up to prevent us from re-experiencing deeper wounds such as rejection, humiliation, abandonment. For instance, if someone felt unheard or dismissed as a child, giving birth in a hospital where decisions are made without their consent can trigger that old wound, and shame will rush in: “Why didn’t I speak up?” “I must be weak.”
This “protector,” which was once a brilliant survival mechanism in our early childhood, is now often an unwanted relic, one that shames us in an effort to keep us safe. But instead of protecting us, it keeps us small, silenced, and disconnected from our power. Recognising it as an old strategy, not a present truth, is the first step toward reclaiming our voice.
How Shame Shows Up During Birth and the Postnatal Period
Shame in the birth space is sneaky. It wears many masks:
“I failed at birth” – after an unplanned C-section or needing pain relief.
“I wasn’t strong enough” – if labor felt overwhelming or traumatic.
“I didn’t bond right away” – in early postpartum days when emotions are raw and confusing.
“I should be doing this better” – in breastfeeding/chestfeeding struggles, exhaustion, or needing support.
“Other people had it worse” – minimising our pain and silencing our story.
Each of these messages reinforces a lie: that our worth is conditional, or that we are not worthy at all.
Confronting Shame with Compassion and Courage
Shame grows in silence. It heals in safe, connected spaces. Here are a few ways to begin the work of confronting shame in the birth space:
1. Speak the Shame
Say it out loud. To a friend, a therapist, a doula, or in a journal. When we name our shame, we loosen its grip. Vulnerability is often the antidote to shame.
“I felt ashamed that I didn’t enjoy my birth.”
“I’m afraid I wasn’t enough for my baby.”
Just naming it begins the healing.
2. Trace It Back
Ask yourself gently: “When have I felt this before?” Often, the shame we feel in birth mirrors old narratives. Was there a time in childhood when you felt powerless, unheard, or like you had to perform to be loved? Recognising its initial intention echoes helps us meet them with curiosity, not judgment.
3. Respond with Compassion
What would you say to a dear friend in your shoes? Could you extend that same tenderness to yourself? You did not fail. You birthed in a world full of expectations and systems that don’t always support our humanity. You did what you needed to do to survive and care for your baby. That’s not shameful. That’s sacred. Throughout the perinatal period, when you hear those shaming thoughts, instead of shutting them out, you respond to them using affirmations of compassion.
I do not need to be perfect to be worthy of love and care.
I offer myself the same kindness I would give a dear friend.
I release the need to meet anyone else’s expectations but my own.
My choices are valid, even if others do not understand them.
I trust my inner knowing more than outside noise.
I can feel doubt and still choose to respond with love.
What would it mean to believe my pain matters too?
Shame is not mine to carry. I return it to sender.
I soften in the face of criticism, knowing I am still growing.
I speak gently to myself, especially when I feel uncertain.
My worth is not measured by anyone’s approval.
I am allowed to take up space. I am allowed to do things differently.
Even in my vulnerability, I am powerful.
I breathe in compassion. I breathe out judgment.
I am already enough just as I am.
4. Find Safe Spaces
Shame thrives in isolation. Community dismantles it. Whether it’s a postnatal support group, a trauma-informed therapist, or simply friends who allow you to speak honestly. Healing begins when we feel seen and held in our truths.
You Are Not Alone
If shame has lingered in your birth story, know this: you are not alone, and your feelings are valid. You are not weak, broken, or less-than. You are a whole human who went through a life-altering experience.
There is power in rewriting our stories, not to erase the pain, but to reclaim our voices within it.
Let’s create more spaces in birth and beyond where vulnerability is met with tenderness, not shame.
Read more about Internal Family Systems here:
https://www.bps.org.uk/psychologist/these-parts-will-fight-end-protect-you
